wolfie

tonight = 5 hours at a bar, free drinks and god knows how many in total, as well as simply far too much money spent.

In other words, totally fucking worth it!

Made my driving test appointment at the SAAQ, March 31st.
Neither parent actually committed to letting me use their car, etc.

"But I have work!" says the one who walks out all the goddamned time.
"But I thought you wanted lessons!" says the one who lost the list of driving schools I put together for them.

Can you just drive your goddamned car there and leave it for an hour? Is that too hard? I stopped bugging them to even let me practice, ages ago.

Once again just frustrated at their reactions to me making efforts to be independant / become an adult, etc.

Bah. I'm going out now for a pitcher.

I see Amber tomorrow :)

Got my acceptance email from Concordia yesterday, got into my first choice, philosophy.
It's not that amazing of a feat, since all you need is a DEC, but it's still nice to at least officially know.

Left a note for my parents letting them know, so they'd see it this morning. I will admit that I was a little bit disappointed that there was no acknowledgment whatsoever.

I was also supposed to go shopping with mom this morning, and she's nowhere to be found. I would've called her cell, but I would've started crying. And anyway, it's mom. Like hell she was going to drop whatever she was doing for me.

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool

I think the worst bit is that I just shouldn't be surprised.

van [would I be out of line if I said I missed you?] says: i kissed a boi today
Allison Snavely says: ooooo
Allison Snavely says: did you like the taste of his cherry chapstick

LOL.


...and then on my way home (and after I arrived safely), I talked on the phone with Amber for over an hour.

I feel hardcore old school me.

Current phone: Sony Ericsson Z520a
Find your 3rd text in your inbox, what does it say?: And as well! Thanks again for coming to bug me :) goodnight
Find your 4th text in your sent box, what does it say?: Ok, yes ma'am, enjoy! :)
Who was the 1st received call from?:  Mom (aww that makes me feel like such a loser lol)
Who was your 6th missed call from?: I constantly delete missed calls. It's rare I even just let 4 pile up.
Who was the 5th call you made out to: This also got cleared, so I only have 3. That one was to check my voicemail, if that counts.
What is your ringtone?: A train
What's your favourite feature of your phone?: that it works... or has withstood massive amounts of abuse.

These upcoming two weeks have been fairly intimidating for me because I have nowhere to go. Nothing that gets me out of the house generally = me lazing in bed getting increasingly depressed.

So! I solved that problem of mine, for this week, anyway.

Tomorrow, movie with Aaron & Dad @ 7pm
Thursday, Dan (white south african guy from gym) @ 10am-1pm during his break, then Amber @ Fairview for 5. I'm not sure how I'll do this. Go straight to the mall, or go home for 90 minutes? Doesn't feel worth it. I can just go read and people watch I figure. Kill time in etc on my laptop, mayhaps.
Friday, movie with Steve & some of his friends, I think. No clue when.

Also, got a card from Allie. Those are always made of win.

dear Van,
Here is my pretty spare card which I have decided to gift unto thee.
upon it rests a bird. "chirp" or "tweet", it sings.
I don't expect that you have birds among your frenchmen and moose, so this must be a rare creature for you to fathom, indeed!
they oft frequent trees, eat seeds, and can be purchased in various piece-combinations at KFC.
enjoy canada!
love,
Allie

I love how she signs her name, and the KFC bit made me laugh out loud. Alas she wasn't online as I read it, so I was unable to share my glee!

I was chilling at Chris' place on Saturday night, while she was out visiting family. (I was invited, but I felt that Charlie needed his sis, so I opted to stay out of the way).

Well. I decided to amuse myself.

First thing Chris did when she was me was reach for her camera. She'd never actually seen me drunk before. Eh. Most people only see me fake it.

By the way

A note by the door
Simply explains
It's all that remains
It's no wonder why
I have not slept in days
The dust on the floor
Piled up from the years
All those scars and souvenirs
Now that you're gone
It's easy to see
But so hard to believe

By the way
You left without saying
Goodbye to me
Now that you're gone away
All I can think about is
You and me
You and me

It's not like before
You left nothing here
It's all disappeared
It hurts me to see
That we've been a lie
Would it have hurt you to try?

By the way
You left without saying
Goodbye to me
Now that you're gone away

All I can think about is
You and me
You and me

It's sad to say that
This pain is killing me inside
But it's time to say
That this pain is keeping me alive
Twisting and turning
It rips through my heart
It's been tearing me apart

By the way
You left without saying
Goodbye to me
Now that you're gone away
All I can think about is
You and me
You and me

All i think about now
Is you and me
You and me
All i think about now
Is you and me
You and me

By the way
By the way
By the way

"Screw you!" he says angrily, before storming out of my room

Thanks dad, I love you too.

I chatted with should_ing on facebook earlier tonight, for the first time in ... ... God, for all I know, at least 2 years. Every once in a while I tell myself I should say hi to her or something because we used to chat a fair amount. Decided to do it for the fuck of it today?

Anyway, while I was having a nice convo with her I was having this MASSIVE fight with steve, that spanned for over 2 hours. (I just checked the MSN log for that. Is that sad?).

So I'm not even sure if he's removed himself from my life completely, because he did say good night afterwards, not to mention I have this 360. (I told Chris I didn't want it! I knew something would happen!!). He was being super dramatic. I think he removed the facebook event for Chris' party, and I know he said he's not going anymore... There was a lot that was really wrong with my conversation with him. He kept changing what his problem was. When he first got started, I was almost convinced he was just upset that he never did get to fuck her before we became friends again. By the end though, just woah. Woah. I may post bits of it in here later.

I ended up texting Chris that we needed to talk. How's that for making her panic. Kidding. I swear that a part of me dies every time someone says that to me though. I freak out, no matter what, even if I only do it on the inside. I just mentioned that I had a fight with Steve and I felt like she should know what was going on. I mean, what, she goes to bed early... and when she wakes up, suddenly one of her friends just cuts her out of his life? I'd say he was lying again to me (since about a week ago he lied saying he cut her out of his life) but he knows I'm going to her party on Friday, and I did check the facebook group so it looks like he means it. **I'd just like to say that I didn't tell him to walk out of her life, or anything like that at all. This is him being immature and just overreacting, etc. (I'd actually prefer to just show chris the whole conversation sometime, so she knows nothing is being hidden, and she knows what the hell really happened. There's a lot that was said that could easily be twisted if shown in fragments)

I'd be lying if I said the fight didn't upset me. It's funny, Kat was talking to him right afterwards. He only said he had a fight - not with whom, or what about. Said he likes picking them because the adrenaline makes him feel alive, and it shows him that the other person cares. If they didn't care, they wouldn't fight. I hope to god I remember that next time, so I just don't answer. He can be a nice guy but he just doesn't seem to understand that I don't need to go looking for conflict. If I wanted that, I'd just walk out of my bloody room!!

I have to go see my teacher tomorrow about how to drop the class properly. There was another girl who looked so much more sick than me. (Well, I don't look or sound sick anymore. I'm just tired!). Made me feel like a super faker so I'm thinking I won't go see him, and just fail the course instead. Anyway, if I do require a doctor's note, I'll be healthy by the time I know that and get to see one. Wtv. I'm not applying to a super competitive program, all I need is a DEC, not a fancy crc score. I know this is just me being moody... I was actually in an amazing mood until I spoke to steve. I felt like I had a huuuuuuge weight taken off of me. I was super stressed about everything. I wish I hadn't let steve ruin that. I know I should just have thicker skin.

anyway, enough about the ass. tomorrow, tutoring! I also have to call the bank. Dad scared the crap out of me saying I was neglecting something with the bank because they called. Fucktard. It's because my investments are maturing tomorrow (Friday)!

One more day of tutoring and then I'm officially on two weeks of spring break, and out of debt. That's encouraging :)

I wish I had my license. I feel like going to the country for a few days would be amazing for me.

I need to start going to bed at a more decent hour too I think. Dunno just yet :)

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel

I feel like she heals me.

Bean wants me to see her when I see Jay. Time is a factor though, only so much I can do in a weekend. I may just go bug her an entirely separate weekend. (Hey, it's my turn!). That means every weekend in the month of March will be spend in a different city. Half in Canada, half in the US. Oh, I should REALLY push for that. Psyched for travel this summer too.

...Yeah. I really should make March's weekends kick bloody ass.

Today I got an email that made me dance, squee and clap my hands in glee.

Jay is getting leave from Afghanistan in March, hopefully.

may not make it to Montreal, but if he has the time, he'll try and get in the general vicinity. I told him I'd meet him in New York, we can do a weekend thing. He'll prolly only get 2 weeks off. (He has family and a fiancee to visit too!)

First time I'll get to see him since we met, 5 years ago. I seriously doubt we'll manage this but one can hope.

p.s. the STM has ads on lj.
woah.

So I'm up at 4:30am on valentines day, trying to find the UK definition of "rape".

"Happy Valentines from the UK. I have to rape you later :P"

I assume she meant she'll just catch me later.

I have to come up with a meal plan that goes up to 5000 calories.

Then I get to eat those 5k calories, in a day.

Ironically, I'm still expecting to lose weight.

Eitherway, I'm excited for all this food.

( My last message to Chris )

No clue if I'll regret sending it. I might already. She actually replied immediately.

( her reply )


It is interesting to note that she forgives me, and mentions how I tried so hard … but never makes any mention of her ever putting in any effort. Also, the only thing she ever apologized for was not being able to speak up for herself, and none of the other (and plentiful) hurtful things she had done to me. I would like to reply. There is no point in mentioning any of what I just wrote, of course. Maybe I’ll write back later, I don’t know. We need this break. All I’d say anyway is we just made a classic lesbian mistake. Continuing correspondences with her at this point would only be making another one.

I love what Kris had written back to me though. How her and her exes both realize and admit they both have done things they have hurt each other. I love how they are mature enough to admit it, and accept it. I have yet to write back to her. I almost gave her a call today.

I'm thinking of ending this lj. I'm not sure, because it has so many memories. I don't feel comfortable here, no matter what the security level of the entries. A new lj would make me feel like I just got bullied out of my space here, and it would be so ... virgin.

I do resent posting in here though, for now. I just feel supremely uncomfortable that Chris and I have so many common people on our friends lists, especially if any of them start to take any sides. (Even if we don’t really know any of them in person). Also, it's like they can just sit and watch how both of us are coping, what if one is moving on so much faster than the other? I know she’s gone to sleeping around. Which one of us does that make a loser? Her, for doing that, or me, for being slower to move on, even if I realize that’s how she’s moving on. Although to be honest, I can’t claim to have never touched anyone else recently either, or that I have no plans with others in the near future. That was just an example though.

Today is one of those days where there is so much on my mind, I feel like it's just going to explode. I recorded myself playing violin. I might be going to a party with Steve on Thursday, spending the night there. I was thinking hey, I can totally sleep with him, but then ... I know stuff has happened with Chris and him in the past, and the whole point of going with a guy would be to avoid the whole recycling/triangle thing, no? I remember how I called Chris a whore - I was really upset at the time, obviously - but really, am I that much better? God knows we're all doing it for the same reason.

…We're all just doing it for the same reason, really.

But as for final correspondences, I think this be my last one here. Possibly not forever, but for now. I'll might befriend some people over time, on a new lj, someday. Maybe I'll just post elsewhere for a while, and just come back here later. It's hard to imagine me doing anything but post in here to be honest, but I feel like something about it is holding me back.

I'm going through a healing process right now and I feel like I don't need such a large audience while I do.